12 Things that will Happen if Israel becomes an Energy Superpower

12) Tim Hortons coffee, pickup trucks and drive-thru restaurants start flooding the streets of Ashdod as it becomes Israel’s very own Fort McMurray.

11) Mechanics, cooks, masseurs, prostitutes and arsim will be allowed to roam freely and enjoy more affordable access to grease.

10) Israeli oil-patch workers who normally would be known as “rig pigs” will instead be known as “Zionist pigs” — oh, sorry… Hamas has already laid claim to that term.

9) Hummus and hi-tech will cease to be Israel’s most coveted exports (sorry, Benji Lovitt… but at least that means more hummus for you).

8) In fact, with all the money flowing into the government, we’ll pretty much be able to stop working altogether — just like in Canada!

7) The government will finally be able to support all those yeshivas and religious scholars AND provide quality public services and reasonable tax rates to the working public. Wow, we’ll finally get our big break!

6) On the other hand, oil- and gas-development will give environmentalists and Israeli social-justice protesters a lot more complain about.

5) Israel-haters will now disguise themselves as “pro-environmentalist” instead of “pro-Palestinian”. It’s so much more hip(ster), and doesn’t require all that political justification.

4) The pro-Israel lobby in America will be overrun by American politicians themselves.

3) Turkey will regret the day they decided to break ties with Israel and will continue descending into the anals of Mediterranean history (yes, I said anals).

2) Chávez, Ahmadienjad and the U.N. will all learn the true meaning of “Kush meer in yiddeshe toches” (kiss my Jewish ass). Keep your oil… no one cares what you have to say.

1) Hummus will no longer be the nation’s leading source of natural gas.