Successful Designer, Failure of a Person

Is there any greater joy in life than making fun of other people? I can think of so many old co-workers to roast that it's hard to choose just one -- not because I've had so many jobs (which I have), but because they were all losers.

After working in cooperation and in close proximity with someone for 40 hours a week for a year and half, you learn a lot about a person. In the case of Suzi, I learned things I never wanted to know. For starters, I learned that she exists. And anyone who knows Suzi... knows she's not worth knowing.

Left: Suzi says "What the Froot Loops?" as she inspects her marketing department's

weekly supply of marijuana. Right, Laura "Goth" Sue gives a thumb up for drugs. Her other thumb is busy planning what black outfit to wear later.

Second, I learned that Suzi is a graphic designer for West Edmonton Mall, the largest shopping and entertainment centre in North America and Alberta's number-one tourist attraction. I learned this when I joined the mall's marketing department as Communications Coordinator -- making me Triple Five's foremost authority on commas, colons and crappy ad copy.

It's not that working with Suzi was so bad. In fact, she was a pleasure to work with -- and not just 'cause she's such a pushover. She's actually quite talented, quick yet meticulous, knows inconsistent writing when she sees it, and follows proper workflow process. She's also a great team player. For example, a travel magazine published a print ad of ours that happened to include a typo. After suggesting to Suzi that I would blackmail her with nude photos I found of her on Nexopia, she took full responsibility for the typo and I got to keep my job. Now that's teamwork.

And yes, at the blossoming age of 22, Suzi is still a member of Nexopia, the popular "rebellious" teen-networking website founded in Edmonton. She is also the youngest marketing employee of West Edmonton Mall and the butt of many jokes (not to mention a joke in herself). If she was any younger, she could be her idol Sagmeister's great-grandchild.

At her young age, Suzi already owns her own house, manages a steady boyfriend and was recently promoted to "Graphic Design Manager But I Still Wear a Black Hoodie to Work and There's Nowhere Up from Here" (see above photo; the black hoodies was not planned). On the surface, she appears to be the prototype of middle-class success. However, beneath the surface it's another story. Between her working hours and boyfriend and social life (or lack thereof), she felt the need to get a cat -- a cute little ashy thing that now graces not one, not two, but three of her Facebook profile photos.

Now that she is fully adulterated, Suzi is set to remain forever in the cold, heartless hell she grew up in: Edmonton (not Vancouver, as some would have you believe). She is tied down to all these commitments at such a young age that she is doomed to a life of mediocrity and status updates like "Suzi missed folk fest this year :( but you better believe I will be there next year!!" (Thanks for the update, Suzi. I'll make sure to keep you posted the next time I don't do something).

Her greatest memories will be the bowl-cut she donned all the way from playschool to Grade 8, that housewarming party she had in 2015 (5 years after she'd already moved in because she feared her then-still-teenaged friends would dirty her carpets and countertops), and, of course, those 18 months when she had the honour and privilege of working alongside one Mr. Adam Vinokoor.

So, to you I say: have fun, young one. May the Sagmeister be with you.

P.S. I've just received word that Suzi is having a party tonight. Please contact me if you would like her address, phone number or any other personal information.