He Has a Lot of Sachs

That's right, Mike, this first roast is just for you. You gained traction in the Jewish world via your affiliation with the Dogg Pound at Camp Hatikvah in Oyama, BC -- a tribe notorious for its naughty behavior, nickname-adorned basketball jerseys and affinity for watersports.

Pictured above is Mike Sachs and his darling wife, Shira.

Standing a magnificent 6"5 or so, you dawned a goatee, wore headbamds and called out nonsensical phrases like "Boppity bop". Word on the street was that your sacs were of astounding proportion. Yes, you were almost as wiggerish as a Canadian Jew can get.

But that was eight years ago and now you're all grown up. You still don't play the sax. And now that you're married to a nice Jewish girl (what's the bigger surprise... that's she's Jewish or that she's a nice girl?), there must be a lot of Sachs in your house. Your Israeli nationalistic fervour is equalled only by the greats of our time: Kim Jong-il, Mussolini, Hitler, and, of course, Arnold Schwartzenegger -- if only he was American and his father hadn't served as a soldier in Nazi Germany.

Speaking of which, you now live in California. What could have inspired to move to a going-broke state in such a debt- and morally ridden country? Is it the glitz? The glamour? The Jews in Hollywood? The black president? The gay marriages? The abundance of breast implants? Anyway, Sachs, you're clearly a changed man. Let's just hope you're not trying to become a woman.